1
00:00:00,00 --> 00:00:07,900
We have begun work on the new master system. 
It will replace all the software that employees 
in the location I am pointing at here currently 
use.

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:16,000
The software stack will be Lotus Notes running 
in a private cloud at a 3rd party vendor's 
data center, with MSSQL providing 40 trillion 
transactions per nanosecond.

3
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:23,000
That's Gucci as fuck. What about the existing 
system which must be digitized?

4
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,900
Sir...

5
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:28,900
...the system...

6
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:36,800
The system is already digital, Sir. We're 
just bringing sand to the beach with this 
whole project.

7
00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:59,400
Anyone who saw this project as a complete 
fucking goat rodeo from the start, leave 
now.

8
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:18,200
This was supposed to be my crowning technological 
achievement! I was going to rescue this company 
from its own lack of digitalness!!

9
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,100
I was told it could be digitized in mere 
months! And we'd all look like geniuses!

10
00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:31,000
Now you tell me it's already fucking digital!? 
... ... How could this be!?

11
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:40,300
How do you spell it? Like "S" "S"!? Digitissation!? 
Anyway, you will double-down on the effort 
and make it even MORE digital!!

12
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,700
Sir, we can't make the 1's and 0's be MORE 
1's and 0's.

13
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:46,200
You will make it the MOST digital and you 
will like it!!

14
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:48,700
Sir, we tried but we just can't find the 
files.

15
00:01:48,800 --> 00:02:03,300
You can't find the files??? Have you checked 
the filing cabinets!? That's where all my 
files are! What's all this business about 
soap?? We've been watering down the soap 
in the bathrooms in order to pinch pennies 
for months. Did we wash the files away!?

16
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:10,700
Ya how could nobody have noticed this!? We 
are the most thorough and accurate business-persons 
around!!

17
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:16,300
How can the undigital files that must be 
digitized already be digitized!?!

18
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:21,600
I have not seen such an uncoordinated effort 
related to businessing since Stalin!

19
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:36,200
If we cannot hang our hats on digitization, 
what can we do? A modern business must be 
digital and strong like Donkey Kong!

20
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:48,100
Donkey Kong...even HE had the sense to be 
digital from the start!

21
00:02:48,200 --> 00:03:02,500
A monkey, a barrel-throwing monkey! He has 
outsmarted us at businessing! If only we 
had called a pair of plumbers...instead of 
consultants, who just say "Yes" to every 
silly little request, until our software 
is full of "bloat"!

22
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,400
It's ok Ana...I put ketamine in his coffee

23
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,900
How could our entire objective be based on 
such outright bullshit?

24
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:27,100
"Digitize it," they said. "I'll be fun," 
they said. I've already used my first two 
envelopes.

25
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,200
Get me the third one.

26
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:48,400
No, wait. Email me the envelope. Then it 
will be digital, right?

27
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,400
Fuck this gay earth.