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This episode of Musical Hell is brought to 
you by Midnight Musicals. Welcome to the 
podcast musical underground. Thank you.

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[demon screeching]

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DIVA: Yes, I still know there's Patreon requests 
on the docket. They can wait.

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I'm in charge of this court, this is my anniversary,

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and we are finally going to do the Superman 
musical.

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SAM EAGLE: What?

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DIVA: Yes, you heard right, my children.

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Long before Spiderman had boys falling from 
the sky in more ways than one,

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there was our next offender: "It's a Bird, 
It's a Plane, It's Superman."

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And like the later production, it also had 
seemingly promising pedigree.

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The score was by Charles Strouse, composer 
of probably the most popular comic-based 
musical ever.

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The book, written by future Superman screenwriters 
David Newman and Robert Burton,

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followed the same aesthetic as the hugely 
popular Batman television series.

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And the original production was produced 
and directed by none other than Hal Prince,

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who in 1966 was already a major player on 
Broadway,

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and with Cabaret debuting later that year, 
would only become more formidable.

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But, as is often the case, all this name 
power didn't translate into actual success.

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And the show limped through a mere four month 
run.

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But a couple of regional productions, now 
with the title shortened to just "Superman,"

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and several recordings of the signature song 
"You've Got Possiblities,"

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kept it in the public consciousness long 
enough to bring about this made-for-television 
adaptation

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in 1975 with a truncated book and score and 
... a lot to answer for.

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So let's examine the case of ... you know, 
let's just   it "Superman" to make things 
easier.

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This being a comic book-based property, what 
better way to start than with an overly dramatic 
narrator?

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ANNOUNCER: ... deceitful glamour boy columnist 
for the Metropolis Daily Planet.

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MAX MENCKEN: I hate Superman.

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Big show-off.

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Well, I like monogrammed shirts as well as 
the next guy.

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But that big red S--Superman, heh.

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DIVA: OK, there are probably lots of better 
ways to start.

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Say, any way that doesn't involve our main 
characters looking at the fourth wall

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and declaring their motivations to us.

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You need some Shakespeare-level writing to 
pull that kind of thing off, and this isn't 
it.

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Having introduced our main characters—Lois 
Lane,

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egotistical columnist Max Mencken,

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Max's gal Friday Sydney,

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and local mad scientist Abner Sedgewick—

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the narrator give a brief rundown of Superman's 
backstory for anyone who doesn't know it.

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So, two people, maybe?

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No matter.

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After all the Zack Snyder Super-angst,

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it's kind of refreshing to see a Ma and Pa 
Kent who are remarkably chill

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about their adopted son's abilities.

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[crash]

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MA KENT: Oh, baby Clark has smashed through 
the nursery wall again.

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PA KENT: The little dickens!

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MA KENT chuckles

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But young Clark quickly undergoes a case 
of Dead Parent Syndrome,

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and so sets out to Metropolis to fight for 
truth et al.

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Which brings us to the story proper, our 
first song, and sin #2: "We Need Him."

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WOMAN: [singing] He saved my baby from a 
fire!

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CHORUS: [singing] He saved her baby from 
a fire! Yes he did! Yes he did!

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MAN: [singing] He caught a thug that was 
mugging Uncle Meyer.

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DIVA: The first chorus number does not bode 
well for the rest of the movie.

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First, there's the orchestrations, which 
have been reworked to fit the 1970s mold.

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If you're going to update the sound of the 
song, you need to have the skill to justify 
it.

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When Whitney Houston sang Rogers and Hammerstein's 
"Impossible" in her riff-heavy R&B style,

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it worked because not only did she have the 
talent to pull it off,

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but because she was Whitney fucking Houston,

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and it wouldn't make sense to have her sing 
in the same manner as, say, Bernadette Peters.

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Just throwing in a bunch of electric guitars 
and drums doesn't add a new twist to the 
song.

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It just makes you sound desperate to appeal 
to the kids these days.

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Then there's the choreography, which is rather 
dull and mostly involves singing to the camera.

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I mean, if you want to see that, there's 
been more than enough videos

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over the past year to accommodate that need.

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In the Daily Planet newsroom,

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most of our main characters are going about 
 their usual daily business.

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Lois is alternating between mooning over 
Superman and blithely ignoring Clark's existence.

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Sydney is yelling at Max for standing her 
up again.

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And Max is using his platform to air his 
personal grievances.

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MAX: What's collared caped schlemiel with 
an S on his chest is becoming a menace to 
commercial aviation.

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DIVA: Hope they don't hear about Max's routine 
in the Marvel-verse.

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That J. Jonah Jameson seems like the litigious 
type.

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Elsewhere, Superman's downfall is being plotted 
in one of those abandoned warehouses

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that are so essential to criminal activity.

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MOBSTERS: I pledge allegiance to the Mob 
of the United Hoods of the Underworld.

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DIVA: Yes, the rejects from Nathan Detroit's 
crap game get old really fast.

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But it could be worse.

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In the original musical, they were a troupe 
of Chinese acrobats with names like Ming 
Foo Ling.

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Yeah.

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Anyway, the head mafioso is putting out a 
hit on Superman,

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and he give his thugs one week to do the 
job or else.

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Sounds like someone has never heard of actionable 
goals.

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But first, an ode to capitalism!

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MOBSTERS: [singing] It's a rich country full 
of old and trusting souls!

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It's a swell country without no gun control!

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DIVA: The fact that this song could have 
easily been written yesterday

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is both very impressive and very, very depressing.

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Our actual antagonist, Dr. Sedgewick, is 
also commencing on his destroy Superman plot,

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which begins with him seeking out Superman's 
favorite damsel in distress.

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LOIS: Oh, you're too modest! Why, when anybody 
speaks of the Metropolis Institute of Technology,

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they—they really mean Dr. Abner Sedgewick.

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DIVA: Our intrepid reporter, ladies and gentlemen!

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Sin #3, I really, *really* dislike Lois's 
characterization in this.

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Look, I know comic book canon is a vast and 
multi-faceted universe,

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so I can believe that somewhere out there, 
there's a basis for portraying Lois as a 
simpering flake

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with no thought in her tiny little mind beyond 
becoming Mrs. Kal-El.

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But that doesn't make it a good idea.

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Does anybody really want a Lois Lane whose 
big solo involves her indulging

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in a "Somewhere That's Green"-esque domestic 
fantasy?

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LOIS: [singing] Green stamps in a book / 
Making like a cook

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DIVA: I wish we could have seen Leslie Ann 
Warren play Lois with the wit we all know 
she's capable of.

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This dumb brunette act is embarrassing for 
the both of us.

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Sedgewick explains to Lois that there's a 
death ray at the local university

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that was originally designed to quell student 
uprisings.

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But now it's gone haywire and threatens to 
destroy the entire city.

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He knows she's got an in with Superman and 
begs her to ask for his help.

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But Clark has overheard the entire thing 
and is out the door

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before Lois can look up Superman in her Rolodex.

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With Superman on the way, Sedgewick explains 
to the fourth wall

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that everything is going according to plan.

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SEDGEWICK: Soon, he will face a ray so powerful 
that even on its shapedown test,

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it was capable of obliterating an Internal 
Revenue agent at a range of 1,000 miles.

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DIVA: At the university, Superman bursts 
through the wall—

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Batman would have at least used the window—

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and quickly punches the death ray into submission.

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Undeterred, Sedgewick explains that everything 
is *still* going according to plan.

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SEDGEWICK: Oh, he's a great hero now. But 
the higher he flies, the further he has to 
fall.

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DIVA: And he expounds on his motivation, 
which is that he wants to take over the world

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so he can destroy Sweden, which has snubbed 
him for the Nobel Prize one too many times.

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And finally, we get some good old-fashioned 
mad scientist scenery-chewing.

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SEDGEWICK: Ten times, I was runner-up! Ten 
times!

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But always [Swedish accent] Hey been sorry, 
Dr. Sedgewick, but you blew it again.

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[normal voice] Look at me! Look at me!

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A ten-time Nobel Prize loser!

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DIVA: Which unfortunately leads into sin 
#4: "Revenge."

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SEDGEWICK: [singing] Revenge, revenge, I'll 
have it on them all.

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No single slight will I forget / I'll show 
no mercy, you can bet.

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DIVA: This doesn't say evil mad scientist 
to me.

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It's more like dopey sidekick nobody likes.

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Speak of the angel, Max has overheard the 
entire rant

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and wants in on Sedgewick's destroy Superman 
plot.

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As one Superman's out of the way, Max will 
be the most popular man in Metropolis

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and also have unobstructed access to Lois.

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Sedgewick tells Max to meet him at his laboratory 
in one hour.

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This means Max has to break off his date 
with Sydney who is none too pleased about 
it.

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[Sydney groans]

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Come on. If you really wanted to commit to 
the comic book aesthetic,

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you should have given her grawlixes.

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Sydney's had it with Max and decides to flirt 
with Clark instead

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by means of the score's only popular song.

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SYDNEY: [singing] You've got possiblities 
/ Though you're horribly square.

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DIVA: Meanwhile, the random Mafia guys have 
figured out that their usual tactic of shooting 
bullets at the problem

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isn't going to help in this case.

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But they figure a guy who can design a death 
ray might have some better ideas.

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So they go to pay Sedgewick a visit.

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Sedgewick, meanwhile, is describing his latest 
diabolical plan,

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or maybe his original diabolical plan version 
1.3, to Max.

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SEDGEWICK: The way to destroy Superman is 
to have Superman destroy himself.

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[background music]

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MAX: You mean to say that Superman would 
destroy himself?

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SEDGEWICK: I mean to say that Superman would 
destroy himself.

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MAX: Ah, I see. You mean that Superman ...

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DIVA: Finally, Sedgewick explains that there 
will be a ceremony honoring Superman

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for the whole death ray destroying thing

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and reasons that by causing a calamity to 
befall the city

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just as its protector  is receiving accolades, 
the public can be persuaded to turn against 
him.

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With a little help from Max's journalistic 
influence, of course.

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SEDGEWICK: Well, he couldn't take it. He'd 
fall apart. He'd collapse inwardly. Ergo, 
he would ...

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MAX: Wait a minute. Superman would destroy 
...

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MAN: Oh, shut up!

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DIVA: The gleeful villains get their music 
gloat on,

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and if you thought "Revenge" was a disappointing 
villain song, you ain't heard nothing yet.

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SEDGEWICK: [singing] You're tops in my book, 
cookie!

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MAX: [speaking] Hit it Abner! You're Mickey 
Mouse!

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DIVA: May the ghost of Cole Porter haunt 
you forever for stealing that lyric.

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Oh look! The villain plots have finally intersected.

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Generic Mafia guys declare they're kidnapping 
Sedgewick to force him to work on the destroying 
Superman issue,

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but since he's already working on that life 
goal, he enlists them as henchmen instead.

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Meanwhile, Clark and Lois are ... kissing?

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LOIS: Oh, Clark! And you've been there all 
along?

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CLARK: Yeah, you just never noticed. I guess 
it was going on talking to Sydney that changed 
me.

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DIVA: Yeah, turns out Clark and Sydney didn't 
really click

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because she realized he was really crazy 
about Lois and gave him the courage to approach 
her,

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and Lois has realized that maybe the awkward 
but kind normal guy might be a better fit 
for her

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than the remote, unapproachable superhero.

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And sin #7: maybe we should have had scenes 
actually showing these things happening,

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rather than giving them hastily exposited 
at us?

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Sedgewick sends his new goons to put his 
evil plan into action,

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which involves a cartoon bomb under Metropolis 
City Hall.

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The explosion is set to detonate just as 
Superman  is getting the university campus 
laundry

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named in his honor at a ceremony attended 
by a bunch of adoring students

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and a couple of metafictional characters.

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00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,110
MAN: Pretty keen shirts. Where did you get 
them?

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00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,130
JERRY: Joe here did 'em.

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00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,100
JOE: Come on, Jerry!

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DIVA: In case that went by too fast, these 
two guys are named after and kind of implied 
to be

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Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. 
They will be back later.

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Just as Superman is making an awkward speech 
about protecting truth, justice, etc.,

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City Hall is blown up, and Max wastes no 
time channeling his inner Tucker Carlson.

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MAX: Where was Superman, huh? Why did he 
fail to stop this terrible catastrophe?

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Oh, my fellow Americans!

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It is at a time like this when I wish I was 
sitting there in Washington in that Oval 
Office.

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DIVA: The crowd turns on Superman and Max 
is delighted.

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Sydney is distinctly unimpressed, however, 
and gets so into her frankly terrific paean

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00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:27,300
to Max's self-love that she doesn't even 
notice him being kidnapped.

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SYDNEY: [singing] You do something to you 
/ no one can do!

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DIVA: It turns out Sedgewick has a computer

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that has been working on determining Superman's 
secret identity.

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Which, you know, is something you'd think 
he'd want to figure out

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before working on the whole destroy Superman 
thing.

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Not that it matters, as the computer has 
put together two and two

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and come up with Euler's number.

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SEDGEWICK: You can, Max Mencken, or should 
I say Superman?

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00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,300
MAX: Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot, doc! That 
jerk computer's wrong! Wrong!

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00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,900
SEDGEWICK: The computer says it's never wrong.

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00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:11,120
DIVA: But it doesn't take them too long to 
rule Max out of the equation,

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00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,950
leaving them to pretty much the only other 
male reporter on the Daily Planet staff.

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00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,600
Now armed with Superman's secret identity, 
 the two of them go into the final phase

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00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:24,530
of the destroy Superman plot  and head to 
Clark Kent's apartment.

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Superman happens to be there now,

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00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:31,910
moping around the house in his tights and 
singing lounge numbers with way too much 
echo effect.

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00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:45,300
SUPERMAN: [singing] Why must the strongest 
man in the world / Be the saddest man, tell 
me why?

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00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:50,380
DIVA: Sedgewick's coup de grâce—I am almost 
embarrassed to admit this—

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00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:55,400
involves giving Superman a quick psychoanalyst 
session in which Sedgewick declares

216
00:14:55,500 --> 00:15:00,280
the Man of Steel to be a sick freak and leaves 
him quivering with doubt and self-loathing.

217
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,100
It was the 1970s. Mental trauma was funny.

218
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:08,300
SEDGEWICK: Did it ever occur to you that 
that X-ray vision is just another word for 
voyeruism?

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00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,300
DIVA: I've been going easy on Sedgewick's 
evil plan,

220
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:14,540
which largely seems to have been made up 
as he went along.

221
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,620
But this is the final straw.

222
00:15:16,630 --> 00:15:21,340
This idea was probably clever and topical 
in the 60s and 70s,

223
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,680
when the mental health field was just beginning 
to evolve into its current form.

224
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,500
But boy, listening to Superman whine

225
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:33,000
while Lois tries in vain to boost his self-esteem 
has not aged well.

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00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,570
SUPERMAN: Now nobody loves me.

227
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:40,500
LOIS: Oh, Superman! That's not true! Why, 
everybody loves you!

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00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:41,380
[Superman whines]

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00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,100
LOIS: Awww.

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00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,370
DIVA: If I wanted to hear a neurotic dope 
complain about his life

231
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,900
to a woman who's inexplicably attracted to 
him,

232
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,890
I'd watch a Woody Allen movie.

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00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:54,400
Lois is unable to snap Superman out of his 
funk before the thugs arrive

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00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,660
for her regulary-scheduled kidnapping.

235
00:15:56,700 --> 00:16:02,400
This proves to be the last straw for Superman, 
who decides to throw himself off a bridge.

236
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,760
It was the 1970s. Suicide was also funny.

237
00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:09,290
Meanwhile, Lois is escorted into Sedgewick's 
laboratory.

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LOIS: Oh, oh Dr. Sedgewick, thank heavens 
you're here!

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00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:19,880
DIVA: Yeah, not the brightest crystal in 
the Fortress of Solitude, this particular 
Lois.

240
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,300
Although she does get to sing the villains 
the riot act.

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00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:27,780
LOIS: [singing] You will end your lives in 
jail. Good will triumph, don't forget.

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DIVA: The plan is to blow up the lab and 
all its incriminating evidence, with Lois 
inside.

243
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:37,780
But a betrayal pile-up of Westerosian proportions 
ensues

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00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:40,220
when Sedgewick decides he no longer needs 
Max and ties him to the detonator,

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00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,500
which will go off if Max moves too much.

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00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,830
And the thugs decide they're done with Sedgewick 
and tie him up, too.

247
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:51,860
Fortunately, Superman has remembered he can't 
actually drown

248
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,900
and Joe and Jerry—remember them?

249
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:58,000
—come by and encourage the Man of Steel to 
let his freak flag fly.

250
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,800
JOE: There's nothing wrong with being a freak.

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00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,570
JERRY: That's right. Just means you're a 
little different than the rest.

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00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,400
SUPERMAN: Different, you mean better?

253
00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:08,480
JOE: No, no, no, just like, um, like moreso.

254
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:13,090
JERRY: Right. Like take Michaelangelo. Only 
a freak would have taken four years just 
to paint a ceiling.

255
00:17:13,090 --> 00:17:19,210
DIVA: The metafictional support gives Superman 
his mojo back, and he flies off to save the 
day.

256
00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:23,730
The thugs put up a fight, but they're no 
match for 70s funk powers.

257
00:17:23,730 --> 00:17:27,820
SUPERMAN: [singing] You boys, pow! are good, 
bam! / I like a crook who really tries. /

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00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:31,520
Come on, pow! Let's go, wham! / You'll learn 
a trick or two.

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00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:36,190
DIVA: Superman carries Lois off, promising 
to return for the villains later.

260
00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:40,980
Unfortunately for them, Max has come down 
with a bad case of the hiccups.

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00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:41,070
SEDGEWICK: Let me scare you!

262
00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:43,770
MAX: Won't scare, I'm terrified already!

263
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:44,600
[Max hiccups loudly]

264
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,900
[Explosion]

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00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,400
DIVA: But it all ends well.

266
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:51,360
The blast just ends up giving Max and Sedgewick 
amnesia,

267
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:56,090
causing them to forget both Superman's secret 
identity and all their evil tendencies.

268
00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:02,800
Max has proposed to Sydney and Sedgewick 
is working the Daily Planet science beat 
and gunning for a Pulitzer.

269
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:09,100
Lois still finds herself torn between Clark 
and Superman, but no matter. There's always 
days to save.

270
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,630
ALL: This looks like a job for ...

271
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:15,500
[trumpet]

272
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:16,600
ANNOUNCER: Superman!

273
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:20,250
[thunder crashes]

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00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:25,800
DIVA: The best part of Superman is Charles 
Strouse's score, which does have some genuine 
gems.

275
00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:28,170
Even if they're hobbled by the arrangements.

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00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,900
The main problem is the book, at least in 
this film adaptation,

277
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,520
which is, if you'll pardon the expression, 
an unholy mess,

278
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,330
and one that is embarrassingly outdated in 
a lot of places.

279
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:44,340
Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders 
the following punishments:

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00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:48,140
For messing up Strouse's score with the bad 
funk arrangements,

281
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:52,010
we condemn Fred Warner to eat steaks smothered 
with Hershey's syrup.

282
00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:55,490
For the clumsy jumbled-up adaptation,

283
00:18:55,200 --> 00:19:00,160
Romeo Muller is condemned to search a Where's 
Waldo illustration with Waldo removed.

284
00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:07,500
And finally, for their villainous ineptitude, 
Abner Sedgewick and Max Mencken are condemned 
to ... each other.

285
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:12,500
MAX: You mean to say that Superman would 
destroy himself?

286
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,220
SEDGEWICK: I mean to say that Superman ...

287
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,600
DIVA: Yeah, you get the picture. So let it 
be recorded.

288
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:22,100
This session of the infernal court in Musical 
Hell is now adjourned.

289
00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:22,930
[gavel bangs]

290
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:52,000
[Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saëns]