00:28.0
00:30.1
Time to finish your shitting
00:30.2
00:31.6
I need to piss
00:52.1
00:54.3
Ladies, I think Nikse lowkey died on us
00:54.4
00:56.2
Say whaaaaat
01:10.2
01:11.9
Can I touch her?
01:12.1
01:14.4
NO, do not disturb the crime scene
01:14.5
01:17.6
We should at least check her pulse
01:17.7
01:21.8
You fucking imbecile, you'll leave fingerprints
01:21.9
01:23.6
...call the police?
01:23.7
01:27.9
NO, because they'll disturb the crime scene
01:47.1
01:48.7
Why so oiled up?
02:01.6
02:04.1
Okay but it wasn't me, I had sperm cramps the whole night
02:06.2
02:08.7
Okay but why are you assuming this wasn't an accident?
02:08.8
02:12.3
You reckon Nikse is nimble enough to oil herself up like that?
02:12.4
02:14.7
What if someone just made it look like an accident?
02:16.6
02:17.8
This cannot be
02:17.9
02:19.9
Ladies, something's fishy
02:39.9
02:44.1
[distant noises of french people arguing]
02:44.2
02:47.1
Hm, maybe they saw what happened
03:06.5
03:08.7
Hey, I have an unusual question
03:08.8
03:12.9
Have you perchance seen anything through your bathroom window?
03:17.5
03:20.9
[Lusi speaks french so advanced not even the translator knows what she could've said here]
03:39.8
03:42.7
Alright, maybe I should go then
03:48.2
03:54.2
Can you tell me what you were doing during the night between May 31st and June 1st?
03:56.0
03:57.6
Who's Nikse to me?
03:58.5
04:04.0
is first and foremost a friend, a sister that I've never had, a comforting presence and a savior...
04:04.1
04:10.6
...a warm word on a cold day, a helpful hand when life gets tough...
04:10.7
04:11.4
Nikse would give away-
04:12.1
04:15.9
Everyone knows that you're the only person in this house who abuses cooking oil
04:16.0
04:18.0
Nigga, what are you talking about
04:18.6
04:21.5
I've left oil in the past, bros before oil
04:23.4
04:25.9
Nikse was conducting my ATDO therapy
04:26.0
04:27.9
(Addicted To Drinking Oil)
04:28.0
04:30.6
She was my last hope
04:30.7
04:31.5
This wasn't me
04:31.6
04:36.4
Dasia that is so beautiful, I believe everything you've said
04:38.6
04:40.5
Who's Nikse to me?
04:40.6
04:44.0
Nikse is first and foremost a friend, a sister that I've never-
04:44.1
04:46.8
Whoa whoa, hold your horses
04:46.9
04:51.5
Where were you during the night between May 31st and June 1st?
04:51.6
04:57.9
I was sleeping, I woke up, I went to piss and I found Nikse all oiled up in the bathroom
04:59.3
05:02.0
So you were the first person to find her?
05:03.8
05:07.5
And... you were also the last person to see her?
05:09.3
05:11.1
But you weren't the one to oil her up?
05:30.3
05:33.2
I figured it out
05:33.9
05:38.2
Punctured bottle of cooking oil, two pairs of footprints on the floor...
05:38.9
05:40.8
and most important of all...
05:41.1
05:43.1
Monkey Vape
05:44.1
05:46.4
You see, the Moon has risen in the sky...
05:46.5
05:49.9
when Morty felt a need to satisfy her little hunger...
05:50.0
05:54.7
...with something that perfectly fits her autistic anti-flavor tastes:
05:56.1
05:58.6
But what did she find when she went to the kitchen?
05:59.7
06:04.5
Who in her dairy cravings was half-way in an act of devouring said mozarella
06:04.6
06:07.3
She didn't even have enough time to close the fridge
06:08.0
06:11.6
You can imagine how devastating this was for Morty
06:11.7
06:15.4
So right when Nikse felt the approaching consequences of the actions
06:15.5
06:19.5
Morty decided to exact her own justice against her
06:19.8
06:20.7
Not a moment has passed
06:20.8
06:23.0
before she barged in with a bottle of oil in her hand
06:23.1
06:25.6
coming upon defenseless Nikisia
06:26.6
06:28.0
Morty poured oil allover her
06:28.1
06:30.5
and in a manifest of her brutality
06:30.6
06:34.4
she reached for a lighter so as to set the poor victim aflame...
06:34.5
06:35.5
...just to realize
06:35.6
06:39.4
that she only smokes Monkey Vapes!
06:39.5
06:42.2
Morty in that moment wanted to just give up
06:42.3
06:43.9
but nature took the reins
06:44.0
06:47.5
and Nikisia in her lack of coordination
06:47.6
06:48.4
pulled off the most elaborate fucken flip imaginable
06:48.5
06:51.5
that even a clown in a circus would be ashamed of
06:53.1
06:53.6
Dear ladies
06:53.7
06:56.8
As they say, who sniffed it out, also let it out
06:56.9
07:00.8
So what do you have in your defence,
07:06.1
07:10.0
Damn, it's almost like those detective noir movies
07:11.0
07:14.1
Did you guys know what "noir" is a french word?
07:14.2
07:17.0
Where the fuck did you come from?
07:17.1
07:18.5
Oui oui je suis baguette bonsoir merci beaucoup
07:20.8
07:23.4
Morty, what do you have in your defence
07:25.1
07:27.7
Yeah, it was me
07:29.0
07:31.4
I'm calling the police
07:32.2
07:33.2
You fucking imbeciles
07:33.3
07:35.1
You're no fucking detectives
07:35.2
07:37.3
If only Morty was this sly
07:37.4
07:39.8
Okay shut your mouth, I don't have all day
07:40.1
07:41.5
It was like this:
07:42.1
07:44.3
I was helping Dasia get off her addiction
07:44.7
07:47.5
everything was going smooth
07:49.2
07:53.9
until the day I've noticed that her face was just a bit too shiny
07:54.6
07:58.9
From that point forward I started suspecting that Dasia was hitting that oil again, in secret
07:59.0
08:00.9
I thought, "this cannot fucking be"
08:01.0
08:02.5
so I came up with a genius plan
08:02.6
08:08.4
What if I drilled a hole in the side of the oil container and let the stains lead me to the culprit?
08:08.5
08:09.8
Literally that same evening I check the kitchen
08:14.2
08:16.8
I'm like: 'This can't be that easy', but it was
08:16.9
08:22.2
Just like all roads lead to Rome, all stains led to the toilet
08:22.3
08:26.2
But I didn't want to scare the shitter, so I lurked around the corner to see who would come out
08:26.3
08:29.1
I forgot that when Dasia drinks too much, her internal compass flips in her brain
08:29.2
08:31.8
and instead of walking like a normal human she just fucking walks backwards everywhere
08:32.6
08:33.8
but yeah, I needed to have solid proof
08:33.9
08:35.4
I storm into the bathroom
08:35.5
08:37.4
everything that eye can touch is oiled up
08:37.5
08:39.0
As I bend down to pick up that empty bottle
08:39.1
08:41.2
I did a fucking backflip and bam
08:43.0
08:45.4
I went to sleep with the fishies
08:53.3
08:57.3
Alright, but if it wasn't you why did you admit to it
08:59.2
09:03.0
I thought it's cool to be a murderer
09:26.0
09:29.9
Die Pinokio, you stinky pedophile
09:49.5
09:51.5
We wish you everything fucked on your 14th birthday
09:51.6
09:54.2
we love you :)
