1
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:03,400
The special military operation is going better

2
00:00:03,500 --> 00:00:06,400
than expected. We will have achieved all 
our objectives

3
00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:11,300
by the pre-scheduled victory day. We have 
ordered medals, banners,

4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:15,800
and a very large cake for the party.

5
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:22,500
When will we have the new maps of Великая 
Россия without NATO?

6
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:24,600
My Poutine...

7
00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:26,500
Ukraine...

8
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,300
The new victory objective is to

9
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,900
return to Russia and never speak of this 
again. NATO is stronger than ever.

10
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:51,500
If you are still making payments on your 
super yacht

11
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,600
get out.

12
00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:10,600
What do you mean NATO is stronger than ever?!

13
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:15,500
I am supposed to be eating dinner in Kiyv 
tomorrow!

14
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:18,800
I paraded around shirtless for years

15
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:19,300
and this is what I get?

16
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:24,200
The Russian Army was supposed to be invincible

17
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:29,100
but Zelenskyy makes a fool of me!

18
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,800
He doesn't even have to take his shirt off,

19
00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:35,400
I wish I had a cool sweater like him

20
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:38,000
I think you can order that sweater on Amazon.com, 
or maybe five11tactical

21
00:01:38,100 --> 00:01:41,100
Amazon?! They've blocked everything! I can't 
even catch up on Outlander, they cancelled 
my Starz subscription

22
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,000
Maybe you can try a VPN?

23
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,500
Get the hell out of here with VPN! I can't 
even pay for it because my AMEX is cancelled!!!!

24
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,900
This was supposed to be my big day.

25
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:53,800
But instead, I have sunken ships and Will 
Smith memes.

26
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:58,700
And Xi won't return my texts.

27
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