1 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,600 Some democratically elected politicians say the referendum result isn't valid. 2 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:25,500 I wasn't democratically elected and I say it was. 199 MPs is no mandate for leadership. 3 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:30,400 I need to keep my power so I'll be clutching onto 17 million votes. 4 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:35,300 The referendum result was not clear, it's probably not legitimate. The biggest vote for racism this country has ever known. 5 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:40,200 Brexit means whatever I decide on a whim and it'll be a success just for our party interests. 6 00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:49,900 The reason I said not to invoke Article 50 is because it's a stupid thing to do, and more than likely illegal. 7 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:54,800 We have to wait until we've bribed the courts to go in our favour 8 00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:59,700 But we can't drag it on too long. 9 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:04,600 The people voted to leave and we need to get it done before they change their minds. 10 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:09,500 If we don't leave the EU we'll be criticised by racists and idiots. 11 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:14,400 By the time any of them realise I want us to be able to compete with North Korea. 12 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:19,300 Let me be absolutely clear- none of us have the foggiest idea what we're doing. 13 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:34,500 The vote was a rejection of openmindedness, I intend to cement that rejection and have it reciprocated from other nations. 14 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:39,400 Any old Brexit will do as long as we leave the jurisdiction of the courts. I want my snoopers charter and I don't want it interfered with by a higher authority. 15 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:44,300 And we'll hear no more about that bloody bus too. 16 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:55,100 I think the vote was for political and economic freedom for the rich. 17 00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:00,000 In the last three months I've had a ball. They gave me a huge country house to stay in. 18 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:04,900 I've done absolutely no work at all, I just travel around and waffle shit at people. 19 00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:16,000 I've almost definitely put us on track to war with Russia. 20 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:20,900 When we leave, we'll still be in Europe of course, less active, less visible and less important. 21 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:25,800 We'll also be pulling out of a load of other integrations. Council of Europe- goodbye! 22 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:30,700 We won't have to help out in the Med anymore that can be Europe's problem, not ours. 23 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:39,600 Our voice won't be heard anymore internationally I'll make damn sure of it if I can't have a Royal Yacht to play with. 24 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:44,500 When I next go to that country I'll take Priti with me and we can have a laugh about who will go without. 25 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:49,400 When I was London Mayor they said to me "Boris you couldn't do a worse job if you tried" 26 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:54,300 Well here I am, not even trying and smashing that target! 27 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:59,200 When Her Majesty the Prime Minister asked me to be the worst foreign secretary in history I wasn't sure. 28 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:04,100 But then I saw the salary details and I said "Fuck Yeah I'll have some of that" 29 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:12,400 You'd be quite mad to refuse. You should see the amount of food I throw away now, it could feed the whole village of Ethiopia. 30 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:27,300 Talking of foreign people, I'd like to congratulate UKIP for writing our speeches this week. 31 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:35,100 We'd have asked Labour but they think we're out to harm the UK. 32 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:44,500 Just the ones that don't matter, not really the UK... 33 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:49,400 Anyone for Whiff Whaff? 34 00:06:49,500 --> 00:07:00,100 You all know me, David Davis Minister for the Department of Exiting the European Union. 35 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:06,200 The sexiest area of politics right now. 36 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:11,100 I have nothing useful to say just meaningless soundbites for the conference. 37 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:16,000 British laws in British courts (like we've always had hehe) 38 00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:23,500 English chocolate, Scottish Whiskey, Welsh Lamb, Irish Beef. Nobody will want to buy them soon. 39 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:28,400 Only a Mother could tell you that. 40 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:37,400 I'm going to sell Ice to Eskimos, China to the Chinese. Knockoff Dvds of Return to Oz to flog Down Under... 41 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:45,900 Liam Fox is reading the memoirs of Del Boy Trotter, this time next year we'll all be living in a dingy flat in Peckham. 42 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:53,000 The environment? Farms? Fracking will soon put a stop to those. 43 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:05,400 Prime Minister, reports are coming about the reactions on social media. 44 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:10,300 Ah my 17 million followers are they pleased? 45 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,100 Mrs May, they're all pissed off. 46 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:18,200 I told you, that snivelling bastard was supposed to perform the ritual the next day. 47 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:23,100 He'd better get our money cleaned while we're making Britain Great. 48 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,600 You need to write to Panama. 49 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:30,500 I want better paper I can't write on this crap. 50 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:37,500 The cost of paper has increased, they said leavers are blockading them, they want British paper from British trees. 51 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,800 Just tell them it's for trade deals, always works. 52 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:44,400 But we don't have any trade deals. 53 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,000 Don't you think I don't fucking know that! 54 00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:48,000 We promised them everything and now it feels kind of wrong 55 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:52,900 Don't give me that wrong shit now Boris, you've told more lies than the rest of us! 56 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,800 We're so close to our goal, if we just had a plan. 57 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:23,000 And the Remainers outsmarted our innovative marmalade scheme 58 00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,700 All- But Prime Minister, Brexit means Brexit... 59 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:33,900 I know, I know, I made it up. Wish I hadn't now. 60 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:42,000 I could hardly say Brexit means we're all fucked no matter how we do it. Hammond how's the treasury dept? 61 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:47,600 Completely screwed I'm afraid. I had to totally wing my speech out there. 62 00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:56,500 I wouldn't be making too many promises of post-Brexit funding. 63 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:01,400 Fuck. And Belfast? 64 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:02,800 Prime Minister. 65 00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:13,500 I still can't believe they have courts with leprechaun judges. We can't afford gold to bribe them. 66 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:18,400 They are arguing that Northern Ireland has a veto because of the Good Friday Agreement. 67 00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:23,300 They have their own sovereignty. 68 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:33,700 Then we'll have to take back control, England is in charge and we will not allow one nation to force the others against their people's will. 69 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:41,800 We will have to undevolve the devolved governments, or they'll all be at it. 70 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,700 Very well, get me the Revolver.