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This episode is brought to you by Black Butler: 
Parody of the Phantomhives, a Black Butler 
abridged series/parody

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And by Midnight Musicals. Welcome to the 
podcast musical underground coming in early 
2021. Thank you.

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DIVA: Greeting, mortals. Welcome to another 
session of the infernal court in Musical 
Hell.

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I'm Diva, your judge, jury, executioner, 
and fabulous rock superstar.

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There is a special place in my particular 
section of the inferno

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for movies built around hit recording artists.

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Oh, they're not all terrible.

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Every so often, you get A Hard Day's Night 
or some of the better titles on Elvis's IMDB 
page.

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But when they're bad—they rank from insufferably 
dumb to literally the worst film I have ever 
seen.

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And it's time to see where our next offender,

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Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park,

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falls on that scale.

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I have come to the conclusion that Kiss is 
essentially the Liberace of rock and roll.

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Stay with me on this.

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In terms of technical musical prowess, both 
Kiss and Liberace are good enough.

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They don't rank among the virtuosos of the 
art,

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but neither are they going out there and 
embarassing themselves.

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So, what sets them apart from the crowd?

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MEGAMIND: Presentation!

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DIVA: Yes, just as Mr. Showmanship had his 
elaborate capes and rhinestone everything,

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Kiss had their iconic makeup, superhero-esque 
personas, and spectacular concert effects.

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Say what you want, it works.

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And in 1978, it was working so well that 
Kiss was sitting on an avid fan base

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and a nice little merchandising empire.

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So, it's no surprise that Hollywood came 
calling.

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What is surprising is that the calling was 
done by Hanna-Barbera.

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Yes, that Hanna-Barbera.

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Although when you consider the script, involving 
magical powers,

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killer robots, and the villain wreaking vengeance 
on a theme park,

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maybe it's not so surprising after all.

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The filming—done mainly at what is now Six 
Flags Magic Mountain—

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had the usual mess of production issues exacerbated 
by the fact

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that the band was firmly in the drugs and 
alcohol abuse phase of stardom.

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Here's a fun drinking game.

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Take a shot every time Ace Frehley is obviously 
being understudied by his Black stunt double.

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To this day, Kiss's reactions to the film 
have ranged from ironic amusement

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to "Let's never speak of this again."

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So, let's examine the case of Kiss Meets 
the Phantom of the Park to see what my reaction 
is.

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The credits take place accompanied by some 
theme park footage and "Rock and Roll All 
Night,"

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while Gene Simmons goes all kaiju over a 
roller coaster.

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[marching band plays]

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DIVA: Ah yes, when I think Kiss, I think 
marching band music.

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We'll be seeing a lot of theme park footage, 
especially in this first act,

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and that's sin #1.

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If I wanted to see a lot of theme park rides,

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there's more than enough videos on YouTube 
to accommodate that need.

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During the Magic Mountain B-roll,

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an exposition announcer helpfully informs 
us that Kiss has a three-night engagement

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at the park starting tonight.

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The park owner, Richards, is eager for the 
influx of income,

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but security officer Sneed is worried that 
the concert will bring too many

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of the darn kids these days with their rock 
music and hooliganism.

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We see three such specimens causing trouble 
in the park,

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tripping acrobats and cutting lines and such.

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GIRL: You talkin' to us?

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GUY: What's your beef? You a cop?

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GIRL: It's cool. Chopper and Slime don't 
hurt nobody less they want to.

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DIVA: But the concert is also anticipated 
by more wholesome types,

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like young lovers Melissa and Sam.

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Sam is working at the park to save up money 
for their marriage.

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It was the 70s. You could still imagine building 
a life together on a theme park salary.

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And he has to get on the job, but he promises 
to meet Melissa later.

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Melissa is sadly disappointed in that,

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as Sam instantly goes snooping around some 
old "Phantom of the Paradise" set pieces

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and instantly gets swallowed up by a secret 
passage.

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[door whooshes]

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[SAM screams]

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DIVA: As Melissa goes searching for Sam,

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we switch to Richards and the park engineer, 
Abner Devereaux.

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Devereaux is also not too thrilled with this 
whole Kiss thing,

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as it's taking away money he needs for research 
and development.

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This is our first indication that Devereaux 
is an unstable mad scientist type.

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DEVEREAUX: You're just blaming me for everything. 
Of course things malfunction!

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Every new piece of equipment has a shakedown 
period!

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DIVA: And there's the second indication.

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I give it about 15 minutes before Devereaux 
starts ranting

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about how they all laughed at him at the 
university

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But soon—SOON—we shall see who laughs last.

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Oh, and Devereaux's big passion is animatronic 
figures,

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which do not look very impressive to start 
off with.

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DEVEREAUX: Simon is a very delicate creature.

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It took nearly a year and $30,000 to perfect 
him.

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GUY: Come on, perfection? You call some baboon 
doing a herky-jerky perfection?

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DIVA: I'm kinda with Greasy McThug here.

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Regardless, Devereaux gives the trio of miscreants 
free tickets to The Chamber of Thrills,

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which isn't sinister at all.

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Meanwhile, there's a makeup contest going 
on,

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and Melissa is looking for her boyfriend,

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and one of the rides goes out of control,

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and sin #2, wasn't Kiss supposed to be in 
this movie?

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Look, I get wanting to build up suspense,

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As long as we're on the subject of phantoms,

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the operatic one doesn't appear in his musical 
until around the 20-minute mark

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and is on stage for only about 40 minutes 
total.

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But he's supported by a persistent sense 
of anticipation and danger

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that keeps things going even when the character,

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who is by far the most interesting in the 
story,

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isn't physically present.

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The only reason anybody might possibly want 
to see this movie is Kiss,

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but they don't show up until about a third 
of the way into the film.

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And the parts without them are pretty dull.

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And yes, the band has problems of their own 
when they do show up,

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mostly of the "really not good at this whole 
acting thing" variety.

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PAUL STANLEY: Gene's clean.

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PETER CRISS: A pussy cat -- almost.

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[ACE FREHLEY caws]

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DIVA: But still, they are the main draw to 
this entire enterprise.

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And without them, the whole thing goes from 
being a silly movie featuring an iconic rock 
group

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to just a silly movie.

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The local security guards aren't that interested 
in helping Melissa locate Sam,

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because like all movie security guards, they're 
functionally useless.

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But they do point her in the direction of 
Devereaux's underground laboratory.

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MELISSA: Underground?

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GUARD: Yeah, way underground.

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CAST OF HADESTOWN [singing]: Way down under 
the ground.

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DIVA: Devereaux sees Melissa snooping around 
the outskirts of his villain lair

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with his all-powerful surveillance system,

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and when he hears she's looking for Sam,

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he decides to let her in and show her some 
of his cool new animatronics.

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But he claims not to have seen Sam for several 
days,

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a lie immediately revealed after Melissa 
leaves.

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And Sam is shown with a mind control doohickey 
on his neck.

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DEVEREAUX: You're less curious now.

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But far more effective.

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DIVA: But Devereaux has other evil work to 
do,

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namely abducting the trio of thugs when they 
wander into The Chamber of Thrills,

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and who helpfully accommodate him by pulling 
the whole

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"You wait here. I'll be right back" routine.

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[man screams]

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[synthesizer music]

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DIVA: In between Devereaux abducting the 
random thugs

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and turning them into American history exhibits,

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we get to the main plot thread.

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See, Richards is no longer able to condone 
the safety risk

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posed by Devereaux's experimental but dangerously 
malfunctioning park equipment,

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and he gives the inventor his walking papers.

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Devereaux, mad scientist that he is,

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doesn't take it well and vows Richards will 
regret this.

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And he swears revenge on Kiss, too,

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because he thinks their appearance at the 
park is somehow also responsible for this.

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Speaking of, it's finally -- FINALLY -- time 
for the main event.

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[electric guitar and drums]

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DIVA: So, yeah, as previously mentioned, 
Kiss has superpowers in this movie,

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which since their stage look is based on 
comic book characters,

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is not as dumb of an idea as it might sound.

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Gene "Demon" Simmons breathes fire and speaks 
with an impressive reverb.

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Paul "Starchild" Stanley has an eye beam 
that does assorted plot-specific things.

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Ace "Space Ace" Frehley can teleport himself 
and others.

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And Peter "Catman" Criss does ... cat-type 
stuff.

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And of course, all four provide the movie 
with ample concert footage.

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KISS [singing]: Shout it / Shout it / Shout 
it out loud!

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DIVA: After the concert, Melissa goes backstage 
and sees Sam,

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who has been sent by Devereaux to get photos 
of each band member.

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She's obviously distressed when Sam walks 
by her without so much as a word,

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but Kiss learns of her problem through ... 
telepathy plot device something,

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and offers their assistance.

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Little do they know that they themselves 
are in danger,

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as Devereaux's evil plan goes into action.

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Wow, Devereaux will really need to up his 
android game

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if he wants to successfully recreate Gene 
Simmons' tongue action.

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The robo-demon wreaks havoc on the park  
and a couple of security guards,

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who maintain their proud tradition of functional 
uselessness.

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GUARD #1: Now what?

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[suspenseful music]

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DIVA: A word about the underscore.

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If this sounds like something Scooby and 
the gang should be sneaking around to,

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you're not too far off the mark.

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It was done by Hoyt Curtin, host-composer 
for Hanna-Barbera

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who provided music for them for over 50 years.

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Unfortunately, it clashes with the hard rock 
sound of our title band,

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so it's sin #3.

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So the next morning, Richards and the security 
staff find Kiss chilling by the pool

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as best they can while keeping with their 
aesthetic

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and they accuse—

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DEVEREAUX: Points to me.

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MELISSA: You and this whole place. You haven't 
been upfront with me.

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00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:24,060
DIVA: Well, enough of that scene.

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We're back with Melissa interrogating Devereaux,

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who gives her a security pass—

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[GENE SIMMONS roars]

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DIVA: Get used to these abrupt scene changes.

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There are a lot of them in this movie.

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Bottom line, Gene's bandmates vouch for his 
innocence,

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and though Richards is not convinced,

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he'd rather save any arrests until after 
the big revenue-generating concerts are done 
with.

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00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:50,430
Meanwhile, Kiss takes Melissa into their 
confidence

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and show her the talismans which give them 
their superpowers.

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Unfortunately for them, Melissa's security 
pass has been bugged by Devereaux,

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so he now knows about the magic Macguffins 
and sends Sam to steal them.

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00:11:01,150 --> 00:11:04,040
Burgulary shenanigans ensues.

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[crash]

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00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:11,010
DIVA: Unaware of the ransacking of their 
base, Kiss decides to take it down a little.

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00:11:11,010 --> 00:11:18,820
KISS [singing]: I think I hear them calling 
/ Oh Beth, what can I do?

196
00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:22,030
DIVA: It kills me that I'm going to have 
to mark "Beth" as sin #5,

197
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as it's not only a lovely song,

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it's the only one not performed in a concert 
setting

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00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,690
and the only one that has anything resembling 
plot relevance and emotional depth,

200
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as Kiss is apparently trying to comfort Melissa 
with it.

201
00:11:35,650 --> 00:11:37,280
Which would have worked a lot better if

202
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a) this scene were set up in any way, shape, 
or form,

203
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or b) the female lead was actually named 
Beth.

204
00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:51,740
Come on, naming your characters for song 
lyrics is like Jukebox Musical 101.

205
00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:56,740
Oh, and the random cuts to Sam zombie-crashing 
around Kiss's suite don't help either.

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00:11:56,740 --> 00:12:01,520
[crash]

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00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:06,370
Sam's attempt to steal the talismans activates 
the cosmic force field protecting them—

208
00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:08,920
there's a cosmic force field protecting them—

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did I mention that?

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Melissa sees him leaving the scene of the 
crime

211
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,330
and her screams at his unnatural state alert 
the band

212
00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:16,130
who quickly determine what has happened.

213
00:12:16,130 --> 00:12:20,840
1: They've fallen into the wrong hands.

214
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,320
2: There are no right hands except ours.

215
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,780
We must protect the power.

216
00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:28,330
DIVA: And it's time once again for ...

217
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,860


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00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:38,370
DIVA: Kiss has discovered a failed attempt 
to steal the magic talismans which give them 
superpower and could be dangerous if they 
fell into the wrong hands.

219
00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:55,840
Should they...

220
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:56,080
MELISSA: But are you sure they'll be safe 
here?

221
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,050
1: They always have been, thanks to the force 
field.

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00:12:59,050 --> 00:13:02,570
[face-palming]

223
00:13:02,570 --> 00:13:06,750
DIVA: After Wonder Woman-jumping over the 
park fence,

224
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,950
the band seeks out Devereaux while contending 
with his mechanical monstrosities.

225
00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:14,190
At first, it finally looks like we might 
get some decent camp in this movie,

226
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:17,240
as Kiss does battle with a pack of robo-monkeys.

227
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:25,220
[action music]

228
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:27,380
DIVA: But it gets old very quickly,

229
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,000
as the band members half-heartedly go through 
several underlit fight scenes

230
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:36,390
while Devereaux just kind of hangs out in 
his villain lair and does nothing.

231
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:44,620
A glam metal group with superpowers fighting 
the evil robot henchmen of a subterranean-dwelling 
mad scientist should *not* be this dull.

232
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:48,460
Devereaux sends Sam after the talismans again

233
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,560
this time wiht a ray gun that neutralizes 
the force field.

234
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:56,160
Meanwhile, Kiss has worked their way past 
the martial arts stereotype robots and the 
creepy carousel

235
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,060
and into the Chamber of Thrills.

236
00:13:58,060 --> 00:14:11,250
[]

237
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:14,050
SKROOB: Do something!
DARK  HELMET: Do something!
COLONEL 
SANDURZ: Do something!

238
00:14:14,050 --> 00:14:18,050
So it's Kiss vs. Robots, round 3.

239
00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:20,770
But this time, the fight isn't as one-sided

240
00:14:20,770 --> 00:14:25,230
as Devereaux uses the ray gun toneutralize 
the talismans.

241
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:29,990
They still manage to put in a good effort 
before Devereaux gets bored and suckes them 
up into some air ducts,

242
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:34,060
trapping them in one of those laser cages 
that evil masterminds seem to have around.

243
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:39,940
DEVEREAUX: Gentlemen, enjoy yourselves!

244
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:46,610
DIVA: Sweet Lucifer, Devereaux, you are doing 
a really lousy job

245
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:49,220
at the "explaining your evil plan to the 
captive heroes" part of your job.

246
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,830
Allow me.

247
00:14:51,830 --> 00:14:55,120
Basically, Devereaux's evil android Kiss 
dopplegängers will incite a riot at the concert,

248
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:59,440
destroying the park and besmirching the group's 
reputation forever.

249
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:05,450
And they will do this by ... singing alternate 
lyrics, I guess?

250
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,100
[DOPPLEGÄNGERS singing]

251
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,980
MAN: Let's tear this place down! The whole 
park!

252
00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:15,720
DIVA: Luckily, Devereaux has the whole "leave 
the heroes unattended so they can escape" 
part down,

253
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,960
so they retrieve their talismans by using 
the force.

254
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,070
There's less than 10 minutes left in the 
movie. We don't have time for explanations.

255
00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:27,370
And they fly to the concert stage just as 
things are starting to get out of control,

256
00:15:27,370 --> 00:15:30,730
engaging in a fight to the finish with their 
evil robot doubles.

257
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,240
It's a lot less interesting than it sounds.

258
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:39,030
[music]

259
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:44,190
DIVA: The robots are defeated. The park is 
saved. And the true Kiss takes to the stage 
in triumph.

260
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:50,580
But wait, wasn't there an evil genius and 
a mind control boyfriend and stuff to take 
care of?

261
00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:58,560
DEVEREAUX: He created Kiss to destroy Kiss, 
and he lost.

262
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:02,450
DIVA: Are you kidding me?

263
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:04,790
After all that, Devereaux just ...

264
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:09,770
I don't even know ... dies or gets taken 
over by his own tech or something?

265
00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:12,770
Who thought that was a good conclusion?

266
00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:17,160
How does Paul just suddenly know where Sam's 
mind control doohickey is and how to remove 
it?

267
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,660
Are the random thugs just stuck being animatronics 
for The American Adventure?

268
00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:23,220
And what about Scarecrow's brain?

269
00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:25,870
[thunder crashes]

270
00:16:25,870 --> 00:16:31,390
DIVA: Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park 
was never going to be good,

271
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:34,080
but at least it had the potential to be good 
camp.

272
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:42,780
On paper, the plot sounds like it could rival 
Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Apple in 
terms of pure batshit crazy.

273
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,430
But the results are one underwhelming scene 
after another,

274
00:16:45,430 --> 00:16:48,770
frequently with disorienting abruptness,

275
00:16:48,770 --> 00:16:52,530
interpsersed with Magic Mountain stock footage 
and a couple of plot cul-de-sacs.

276
00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:57,750
Only diehard Kiss fans are likely to be interested 
in this one.

277
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,260
And given how little the band and their music 
actually figure in the film,

278
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:04,250
I'm not sure I'd recommend it to them either.

279
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,110
Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders 
the following punishments:

280
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:12,380
For being a generally disappointing and anti-climactic 
villain,

281
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:18,920
Abner Devereaux is condemned to take remedial 
classes from Scooby Doo antagonists.

282
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,520
For providing and underscore ill-suited to 
the adventures of a glam rock group,

283
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:28,860
Hoyt Curtin is condemned to have a romantic 
dinner accompanied by death metal.

284
00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:31,960
And finally, for the tedious theme park experience 
that was this movie,

285
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:38,490
writers John Michael Sherman and Don Boudet 
are condemned to an eternity in the Hall 
of Presidents.

286
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:41,660
So let it be recorded.

287
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,240
This session of the infernal court in Musical 
Hell is now adjourned.

288
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,480
[gavel bangs]

289
00:17:45,480 --> 00:18:14,000
["Danse Macabre" by Camille Saint-Saëns]