00:00.0 - 00:03.8
The firework reports are just in

00:03.9 - 00:04.9
Loud bangs here and here and apparently...

00:05.0 - 00:07.3
...a Roman Candle just here.

00:07.4 - 00:11.5
A Catherine Wheel is causing problems near the Green Man

00:11.6 - 00:15.9
And some children have been seen with sparklers near the War Horse.

00:17.4 - 00:21.3
Well, that'll be because it's bonfire night, won't it?

00:24.3 - 00:25.6
Boss

00:27.6 - 00:28.1
It's

00:31.0 - 00:33.5
You haven't been down here as long as you think, boss.

00:34.0 - 00:35.7
It's only September.

00:52.5 - 00:58.5
Please leave the room if your wife is called Karen.

01:12.9 - 01:14.0
What is Buckshaw Village coming to?

01:15.0 - 01:18.3
It's turning into fucking Beiruit!

01:18.4 - 01:23.2
My cat is going to have a bloody fit when she finds out it isn't Bommy Night!

01:24.4 - 01:28.1
So no treacle toffee either!

01:28.9 - 01:30.5
I haven't even warned the dog!

01:31.3 - 01:33.6
What about my gerbil? He's already twitchy.

01:33.7 - 01:40.1
My daughter's goldfish is going to think drug dealers with uzi's are taking pot shots at it!

01:40.2 - 01:42.2
Boss nobody thinks gunfights when they think Buckshaw!

01:43.2 - 01:45.8
Nobody thought they'd turn the Cow Shed into a tanning salon but they did!

01:46.2 - 01:48.0
It's not even against the law to use fireworks during Emmerdale!

01:48.1 - 01:52.9
What's the law got to do with anything? I don't want my evening interrupted...

01:53.0 - 01:53.9
...by a nine year old ....

01:55.5 - 01:58.8
...who can't have a birthday without his parents setting fire to £50 worth of cheap rockets.

01:58.9 - 02:03.7
Poor little Johnny wants to celebrate his birthday. Why can't he do it more quietly?

02:03.8 - 02:08.6
Has he not got enough flashes and bangs on his X-Box?

02:08.7 - 02:10.7
He's having a nice time meanwhile everyone else has got cats and dogs

02:10.8 - 02:13.1
and hamsters and goldfish going out of their minds

02:13.4 - 02:17.0
and reaching for the Prozac

02:17.1 - 02:21.9
I came here because it was quiet and because of the nice houses. I can park my Mercedes on a peasant if I like.

02:27.0 - 02:29.4
Instead, what have I got?

02:30.6 - 02:36.1
A demented Cockerpoo, an anxious terrapin and I have to keep rewinding Netflix.

02:41.0 - 02:47.3
All because people want to enjoy themselves without asking for my permission first! The selfish bastards!

02:48.1 - 02:53.7
Neurotic pets and explosives. We didn't have this in Hindley Green.

02:53.9 - 02:56.0
It's like living near a bomb factory.

02:56.1 - 03:02.7
A bomb factory with roundabouts, modern housing, a KFC and an unhappy chihuahua.

03:03.9 - 03:07.2
I'm sure nobody will mind at New Year.

03:14.3 - 03:16.5
I don't know what to do anymore.

03:19.3 - 03:23.5
I suppose this was what we did to London during the Blitz.

03:25.2 - 03:26.1
I'm leaving.

03:31.1 - 03:33.0
I've had enough.

03:40.2 - 03:45.5
I'm going where the sunshines brightly, I'm going where the sea is blue

03:46.0 - 03:49.4
I've seen it in the movies, you know

03:53.4 - 03:55.3
How far is it to Hull?